We are in the middle of a kitchen redo.  Before you say, “oh, how nice, how wonderful,” let me paint a picture for you.  My cupboard is in the laundry room blocking my dryer, my computer desk is reminding me of those ten extra pounds every time I squeeze by to get out the back door, my breakfast table is on my porch and no one knows where the homework basket has gone. 

Have you seen “Design on a Dime” on HGTV?  We are doing the Design on a Nickel version and while the results are looking good so far, we are getting crankier by the minute.  As it turns out, I do not do well in kitchen chaos.  It is the heart of my home and it is in the midst of quadruple bypass surgery.  My contractor/husband says I can get in sometime tomorrow, but you know how contractor/husbands can be.  And project manager/wives. 

It’s not easy on a marriage.  A DIY home improvement project can test the best of marriages.  How can two people who respect each other, run a household together, raise children together, still get on each other’s last nerve painting cabinets together?  Just because one person is detail oriented and thorough and the other is better with the big picture, i.e. going to pick up lunch?  I thought that’s what Project Managers do.  Just because one person is a work horse and works 12 hours, and the other needs to stay abreast of current events, i.e. watch the Real Housewives?  I mean, someone has to feed our children, i.e. call Papa John’s. 

I’ve done such a good job as Project Manager, I’ve decided to promote myself to Queen of the House.  So far I can’t get anyone in my household to call me that (or Project Manager.)  In my fantasy queendom, there are no torn up kitchens, no dust, no adhesive or grout fumes, and no chaos.  There are also no other branches of government, no checks or balances.  Off with their heads!

In my fantasy queendom, instead of a royal robe, I would wear my Snuggie.  My court jesters would be Conan O’Brien and Tina Fey. 

Every time I made a public appearance, they would have to play this:

In my fantasy queendom, I would outlaw many horrific things, things our real world lawmakers seem to overlook:  skinny jeans for men, cell phones for anyone under 13, Christmas music before Thanksgiving, and married couples redoing kitchens. 

I would make many things mandatory:  college degrees for pro athletes, wine at children’s birthday parties, women to be paid for housework, 10am – 3pm workdays, and quintuple coupon days.

Any unruly children would have a punishment of being forced to listen to NPR for the day.  Any unruly husbands would be sentenced to watch Top Chef: Just Desserts for a week straight.

But I digress. 

Back in reality/Hell’s Kitchen, we really are starting to see real progress.  We can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I should stop complaining.  I can now slip by the computer desk with ease as a result of not being able to access any food cabinets for 2 weeks! 

I look forward to putting our kitchen, marriage, family and home back together.  Then I will be content again in my real world.  My contractor/husband thinks he’ll be done by next weekend, and it will finally be time to celebrate.